Stepmom and Bio Mom: An Unlikely Friendship

The Ex.

Bio Mom. 

Do I have your attention?

Are you feeling a little anxiety at the mention of her?

If you’ve stumbled across this article you’re likely a stepmom. Let’s begin by taking a nice deep breath 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and take comfort in knowing you have a community of women who understand this role. Women who are walking the same path as you and trying their best to be graceful and sane. All while having the very clear reality there is always another woman in the picture, the ex.

Let me begin by saying there is a large spectrum in the relationship dynamics between a stepmom and a biological mom. This ranges from high conflict, controlling, restraining order extreme to calm, level headed, share a glass of wine, co-parenting friends. Yes, I said friends. Both are very real and possible, with of course, many variations between these two extremes.

 Being a stepmom means there will always be another woman in your relationship. She, of course, is not the center but energetically very present in your life. This can be frustrating and consuming for some stepmoms, especially in the cases of high conflict. I don’t recommend attempting to establish any type of relationship with a high conflict ex as it will only intensify the drama.

 If you’d like to initiate a relationship with the ex I encourage you to do so from an authentic place. In my work with clients I have found it is necessary to have no expectations when reaching out. Over time many factors will likely change over the course of the relationship (i.e. kids ages, healing, moves, etc.), making it unrealistic to hold an expectation.

When reaching out to the ex:

- be clear with your boundaries

- check in with yourself on your motives

- keep it simple and on topic to child(ren)

- opt for email, to begin

- once you’ve hit send LET IT GO

Perhaps, over time if well received, communication can move beyond email. However, I work with a number of introverted sensitive stepmoms and email is the preferred tool. Email gives time and space to the communication whereas texting feels more like a time sensitive obligation.

If your motive is anything other than communication about details, do not get involved. Let me repeat, do not reach out. Even if your partner asks you and it doesn't feel in alignment for you, stop. If you are feeling emotional, stop. Keep it clean. If you have nothing good to say, don’t say it at all. Stepmoms tend to think they are “helping” by reaching out to only find themselves completely depleted.

My point here is to tell you if you have an open heart, are respecting your own personal boundaries, and your motives are clear it can be very beneficial. Sometimes you have to be the one to extend the olive branch and make the continued attempts at communication. Trust your instincts.

“If it is not right do not do it; if it is not true do not say it.” - Marcus Aurelius